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[27 May 2008|01:28pm]

i think i must be dead or else the insects wouldn't want to eat me. they'd see i wasn't rotten and know i can squash them. sometimes i am in the land of the dead and there are corpses all around me. the veil tears like paper and i am helpless to watch.

but i can't, oh i can't. i can't kill them. they're stubborn like a little three year old who wants candy. i wish they had a spray for this, one that wasn't so smelly. there are always bugs everywhere, but i can't have you see me slap them. you'd think me to be silly. so i sit with my hands folded like a perfect girl should and suffer in silence. yet, i'm supposed to tell you. yet, you don't really want to know, do you? the proper response would be to tell you "i am delusional" and "i am hallucinating" but see, that isn't what i think, not always. i try baby. i try so fucking hard.

death is knocking at my door but i didn't answer. he left a flyer and woke up the neighboors. he told me to call him back but i hate telephones.

maybe once i am 20 this will all go away. all of it all at once. then i will be weightless like a butterfly and They won't watch me anymore. it's such a long experiment. don't you usually have to sign release papers? don't they usually have a control? who is the control, and do they know they're being watched like that clock in the lunchroom?

i think "i can't do this" but what does that mean? does that mean i can't do this without getting destructive? does that mean i'm just going to die?

i am not going to kill myself. no, but sometimes i think i might just die anyway, just from the fear and the thrill of all of it, like a baby bird whose heart beat just a little too fast. i keep hitting up against my window. my wings are weak and i've forgotten how to fly.

love makes it easier. love makes it harder. for you to love me, it's like you loving that infection in you that you know is killing you. i don't want anyone to love me, because i could infect them. they could know me, really know me, not just in the biblical sense, and see that i'm tearing them apart. i want to intertwine our lives but i'm like ivy. i choke the tree.

i was born under the sign of cancer...

i want to hide myself away where no one will ever see my face, not even god. i want to bury myself in ocean tides that never go out. i want to hide under the covers and shiver like a child.

you need a bionic antibiotic antipsychotic psychopharmacutical cutical remover resolver solvent solution, stat!

i am disease.

i am sorry. god, i am so fucking sorry.
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[06 Jan 2007|07:58pm]

i bet you can guess what i'm thinking about.

hint: it's gross.

i think my brain is permanently broken.
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[28 Apr 2006|12:24pm]

If life is a war I hope I'm winning. I think it might be a tidal wave instead though, in which case I hope I'm a fish... or a mermaid. I talk about myself a lot- I hope they have a pill for that too.

We're all just in it to survive, what's the big deal?

Bite the sidewalk fucker.
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[10 Apr 2006|09:19pm]

it's tradition for me to write in this thing when i'm drunk, so here i am.

i was unaware alcohol is a natural histamine. so now i feel sick as a dog (a sick dog specifically). and fat, oh so fat. pregnant with alocohol (hopefully i'll give birth to a cute little vodka drink.)

my dad is apparently feeling down, so he said

dad: emily, i'm feeling sad. what should i do?

emily: oh, go cut yourself.

he didn't listen to my advice. no one ever listens to my advice. that's why people SUCK.

oh gosh gravity is super strong right here right now. i have to go and lie down or something.

bye bye sweetie pie.
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[31 Mar 2006|10:41pm]

this formula was so important i had to write it down at work:

comma + colon = coma

it's obviously a conspiracy, after all:

2 spiders were spotted on the premises
twice did they whine about how much it was raining, and it was indeed raining
the police used to watch over the people, now they're watching the people

you'd better not be a part of this

ps. i love love love skinny puppy.
pps. or what used to be skinny puppy. they're dead to me now.
ppps. seriously though, what happened? they used to be so super awesome and fabulous.
pppps. i bet you a billion million dollars it's all part of The Conspiracy
ppppps. oh, how i love a good conspiracy theory
pppppps. i don't actually have a billion million dollars. please don't sue.
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All we want is pretty little whores [16 Feb 2006|05:54pm]

I want to be special and I want to be coveted.

Then maybe I'll be worth something.
Otherwise, I might as well be dead.

Shhhhh... it's everyone's secret ever.
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angsty posts are gay [24 Oct 2005|02:15am]

. the end is the beginning

red'n o pew! meanings. and that's how we lose faith. "i die solo" seid i. how shameful. lufemahs woh. everything said backwards sounds like a sneeze. e zeen's magazine. the devil enters while you speak backwards words. AND THIS IS HOW THE DEVIL LIVED. kiss niks skin- ssik.

now i won. paehc s'ellehcim. -"bless you"- and this is how that devil died.

is the end . - snIkmup gnihsAMs
2 comments|post comment

[19 Oct 2005|10:39am]

jesus save me
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i might be catching so don't touch! you'll start believing you're immune to gravity and such.. [19 Oct 2005|10:32am]

sometimes i feel like a leper.
a sexy sexy leper

there's no hope for a cure but we'll do our best.
so long as you stay away..
i don't want my children to be infected, no sir
ew, keep that thing away from us!

today's lepers are homosexuals, the mentally ill, the non-religious and... your mom.
but that didn't stop me last night ;)

oh no! think of the children.
2 comments|post comment

the meaning of life [04 Oct 2005|07:07am]

[ mood | anxious ]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

the secrets to everything are in this picture.
see if you can spot them for 20 extra credit points.
can you see your face?
does it smile at you?
do you know what this says?
is it that obvious?
2 comments|post comment

[02 Oct 2005|02:04pm]

i stand still clutching my happy thoughts. when's this bitch ever going to grow up?
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[27 Sep 2005|05:05pm]

when people want to sound really elitist, they'll sigh and say "it isn't only about the music or the fashion, it's about the lifestyle." what the fuck does that mean anyways? i've usually heard it in the context of the "gothic lifestyle." ohhhhh, i see it now. the lifestyle. how did i not guess that? pray tell, what is that lifestyle exactly? they make it sound like, if you're a goth, you wake up in the morning, spin around three times while chanting prayers to the god of goth, and you refrain from eating turkey because it goes against The Gothic Code. there's a gothic code? woa.

so, maybe they mean the gothic lifestyle involves, er, smoking cloves, drinking alcohol, going to clubs, and acting pretentious, throwing in ye olde english words whenever possible, and reminding people constantly about how true gothic music died in the 80s. which of course you know so well because you were, say, around 5 when the 80s were over. good job goths.

so if it's not about the music and the fashion, what is it about?

punks: getting drunk, smelling badly, saying oi whilst pumping one's fist, kicking ass, possibly political ass, but just ass in general will do.

rockers: smelling badly as well, making the rock sign with their fingers, watching television programs in which people get hurt and laughing about it, being oftentimes overweight.

indie kids: doing things that are "so uncool that it's cool", having a myspace, taking super scene pictures that are "so uncool that it's cool", writing in fragmented sentences about things that are "so uncool that it's cool"

emo kids: quoting bands, having a more angsty myspace, taking more angsty pictures, writing in more angsty fragmented sentences

he held me so close
as i would hold a butterfly
i wanted it to last forever..
but these things don't last forever
so now i will die

so i best be off now to make my monthly sacrifice to the gods of goth.
2 comments|post comment

[25 Sep 2005|09:08pm]

like i've said, it's important to make a fool of yourself when drunk

otherwise that's a horrible amount of time wasted
and i hate to waste time
i'm a recycler, man

i like the environment and i do things for it, like always recycle
don't forget that, okay?
everything can be use again, except for gross things
but those could be used to stun your enemes
before you stab them in the head with your sword

the end.
2 comments|post comment

[22 Sep 2005|12:42am]

hah! it's always the pacifists you don't suspect.

well, the joke's on you.
5 comments|post comment

[22 Sep 2005|12:40am]

my arms and legs are laughing at me. what is so amusing anyways?
2 comments|post comment

ps. i don't know who "you" is [21 Sep 2005|11:42pm]

then we slipped away from this place and found ourselves on soft green moss, the tall grass bowing so politely to the wind, the moon a cold silver fish swimming through a murky black sea, staring at me through dark glassy eyes. do you feel as though you're being.. watched? i counted my fears and named each one after you until eventually i could not tell you from them, until eventually they swam in my eyes and pooled at my feet and i laughed and laughed because they were mine, my fears, i owned my fears and no one could take them away from me. do you hear that? don't lie to me damnit, i know you do.. demons are everywhere.. they drip over us.. call the exterminator! but no, we can't trust him, and he can't trust us, and of course i can't trust you, it's obvious. evil drenched the soft fabric of the sky and we tore it down with sharp knives and sharper teeth. i went to bury myself in the ground, because i like to plan ahead. and then i'll be warm, i'll be so warm, and you know i'm always so cold..

if you were to kiss me then you would have noticed i was not breathing. i have no need for such trivial nonsense
3 comments|post comment

[21 Sep 2005|11:37pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

many times the songs i most relate to by my favorite musicians are the songs they write about drugs. i get all excited when i hear them sometimes and think maybe they are "like me" in that sense.. and then i remember, no. they just did a lot of lsd. whatever, i'm too cool to be like musicians anyway

2 comments|post comment

[21 Sep 2005|11:33pm]

is death a reward? the light at the end of the tunnel? do i deserve not deserve it? how many points do i need to rack up? 752..753..

is death a punishment? the end to the perpetual fairy tale? can i not avoid it? 1 strike...2 strikes against me...

or is it simply the end of the line? then with my last breath i'll laugh at myself and i'll pray to the gods that there's no train going back.

i do love life, don't get me wrong, but like many things, it's best in moderation.
2 comments|post comment

omg sometimes i do the most autistic things lolz [21 Sep 2005|11:23pm]

[ mood | enthralled ]

it pains me and yet amuses me to no end when people use mental illnesses as adjectives in innapropriate ways.

girl: ohmygosh, that was soooo ocd of me!
guy: yea, you are soo ocd sometimes

yea, you're so obsessive compulsive disorder. good job. furthermore, the girl in question was talking about being "random". apparently that is the same as obsessive compulsive disorder, ohmygawd like, obviouslyyyy.

woman on television: you have beautiful hair but it's rather.. schizophrenic ::flails her arms for some strange reason::

oh no! your hair is having hallucinations.. delusions.. of persecution, of reference, of grandeur, it needs to be hospitalized and medicated, stat!

hair: but i am the reincarnation of jesus :(

doctors: hair, you're delusional, see? that may seem real but it isn't.

hair: :(

poor hair.

girl: i can't decide, should i get this one or this one.. omg i'm so bipolar sometimes!

poor girl. one choice will lead her into a downward spiral of crippling depression, and another of energy filled psychotic mania.

i was reminded of all of this from watching a style show today and hearing the woman on the television talk about schizophrenic hair. and it just reminded me of how wonderful the world is and how lucky i am to be alive :D

ps. my hair is perfectly sane by the way, thank you very much

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more like pokemon disaster [14 Sep 2005|09:34pm]

atypical antipsychotics are named similarly to pokemon. OHMYGOD

geodon = rhydon, geodude
seroquel = cyndaquil
clozaril = azumarill

ash: risperdal, GO!
risperdal: riisperdal!
ash: risperdal, sand slash attack!
rispderdal: risperrrrr DAL!
gary: your risperdal doesn't stand a change against my zyprexa!
zyprexa: ::hisses::
gary: zyprexa, thundershock!
zyprexa: preXAAAAAAA
ash: oh no, risperdal doesn't stand a chance against an electric type! risperdal return!
gary: looks like you lost again ash
cheerleaders: gary gary he's our man, he's going to be the champion, yayyyyyy!

this is the most important discovery since penicillin. even better, 'cause that shit is mold, and mold is gross.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

i take 275 mg of that bastard everyday.

michelle: uhhhh, emily, usually ground pokemon are able to use the sand slash attack, so risperdal would most likely be immune to any electric attacks.. uhhhh, i'm a big nerd.
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